The Both/And Rule (and steps for action)
You know as a kid you have memories that are crystal clear, but it's not until you get older -- or much older, that you see those memories with a different lens?
My parents visited the farm a few weeks ago.
On their last night, we sat around the table and talked. I was getting updates on all my aunts and uncles and a few cousins. This can take a while as my stepdad is the youngest of 10 siblings.
But then my stepdad, who is Tahltan, a First Nations people of British Columbia, shared something with me that I had never heard before:
His two eldest brothers had been survivors of a residential school in B.C.
It took me a moment to realize that the children harmed weren't from another lifetime, an IG post I read, or in another country. They were nit out of sight/out of mind.
They were my uncles.
It was my family.
In my lifetime.
I've always viewed Indigenous Peoples' Day as a celebration of collective resistance.
Yesterday, it hit a little differently.
While we collectively mourn the horrors of the past treatment of Indigenous people in North America, another war is waging in the Middle East.
"This is the tragic human response to living under crippling oppression — we as Americans find this difficult to wrap our minds around because, if you’re reading this, there’s a great chance you’ve never lived under military occupation yourself."
This topic is complex. And deeply emotional. It is something I will never fully understand because my experience witnessing these atrocities is from another lens.
A lens that is a world away with no lived experience, personally or culturally.
In times of crisis or conflict or in general uncomfortableness, I default to what I call the both/and rule.
The idea is to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. And that it is okay to hold conflicting thoughts and multiple emotions about the same issue, at the same time.
As a leader, with the weight of the world on your shoulders - the responsibility of your organization, you might feel that urge to separate the human you from the ED you.
I want you to pause.
Sometimes it can feel like the right thing to do is to keep a division of professionalism between your job and your life.
But for today, and for forever, I want you to know:
It's okay to be both a human and a leader.
It's okay to be both outraged and defeated.
It's ok to feel both cautious and hopeful.
This work is hard every day. And on weeks like this, it can feel impossible.
"As a leader, being present, engaging in productive dialogue, and responding with organizational action can help ensure that the very real emotions and effects of a tragedy that affect each employee are addressed with empathy."
This week is not business as usual.
Engage in a productive dialog, allow space for thoughts and feelings, but don't pretend like everything is okay or neglect to acknowledge what is happening in our world.
This is likely on the minds of your staff, board, volunteers, donors, and those you serve, too.
If you haven't done so already, connect with your people and see how they are doing:
➜ Check in with your staff.
➜ Check in with your donors.
➜ Check in with your community.
Keep checking in. This isn't a one-and-done check-in. Grief is fluid and has a range of emotions. Create space for it. Mentally. Emotionally. And keep checking in on YOU.
This next part is important: Don't stay stuck. Put your rage into action.
“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”
- Desmond Tutu, champion of human rights
Here are a few resources for your next action steps:
➡️ Check your white supremacy at the door: Amplify the voices of the oppressed and listen to those with lived experiences.
📚 Educate yourself and understand what is going on ➜ Israeli Apartheid for Beginners
💰CauseMatch is offering free campaign pages for any nonprofit organization that is providing emergency response, read more from Jeremy Stern
Every single day you watch what collective action can do inside your organizations.
Yes, this is more work. And yes, this is yet another brick added to the very heavy emotional toll you already carry being a leader of a nonprofit.
Thank you for being part of this community and for the work that you are doing every single day.
✊🏽Together,
rachel